SCOTUS moves us in the right direction

 Now that the Supreme Court has overturned Roe v. Wade, the federal government now recognizes the sanctity of life.  At least life in the womb.  That's a good start, but there's more work to do, Christians.

Now we need to protect the sanctity of life outside the womb. And it should be easy to do, from a legal perspective, since by overturning Roe v. Wade, SCOTUS has basically established the right of the government (both federal and state) to control women's bodies, and by extrapolation, the bodies of men, as well.

So the next thing the government must do is to require every man to register his sperm in a federally supervised sperm identification program (much like the FBI collects fingerprints).  That way, when a man gets a woman pregnant (because as far as I know, only one woman in history has ever pulled it off without the assistance of a man), the government will be able quickly to trace the sperm source to the sperm donor (thank God for the human genome project!).

Since sperm will need to be registered, this will require branding a serial number on the penis of every male, including homosexual men, because, hey they might get converted (I assume conversion therapy will come back in vogue soon) and then, their penis is as dangerous as any other.

How can we afford this, you may ask? I have the perfect solution.  As every state eventually eliminates gun registration (because Constitutional Carry - the same God who gave us the right to life, also gave us the right to bear arms) a whole bureaucracy will be unemployed across the nation. So we simply convert these folks (not in the method described above) into a nationwide sperm registration program, with each man paying for a penis carrying permit to fund the cost of the bureaucracy.

Once this infrastructure is established, we will recruit the banking industry to develop an electronic sexual encounter registration system.  Every woman will carry a "square" that plugs into her smart phone, and scan the man's penis registration barcode tattoo ( I know, Leviticus teaches against tattoos . . . we'll have to hire a conservative theologian to help us out of that bind).

These sexual encounters are entered into a nationwide data bank. That way, the minute a woman finds out she's pregnant, we can go into her barcode scanning history and immediately identify the male participant in the creation of this beautiful life.

Once the sperm donor is identified, using the same banking system, the new baby (it's not longer a fetus, guys) is immediately put on the father's health insurance plan. If he does not have health insurance, the money will be automatically garnered from his paycheck to pay for health insurance on the health plan marketplace (see . . . Obamacare really is a devious right-wing plot, after all).

If the father doesn't have a job, he'll be arrested for irresponsible sperm dissemination (a new law that will need to be put on the books . . . still working on this component) and will be remanded to forced labor.  If he's white and middle class, he'll go to a halfway house and wear an ankle bracelet. If he's a person of color, well the South had a whole penal institution designed to make black men work (I wonder if that's where the word "penal" comes from?).

Oh, yes, we'll have to get SCOTUS to reverse the 14th amendment. But they've already got a jump on that. Shouldn't be too tough.

Once the baby is born, the father will have the option of marrying the woman - unless he raped her, or he is related to her by blood (of course, there will be an exemption for the latter scenario, which will become known as the "Alabama Exemption."). If he refuses to marry her (she won't have a say in the matter, of course), then 50% or $1,000 per month, whichever is greater, will be garnished from his wages for alimony and child support, until the child turns 26.

There will be, of course, men who play the system an continue disseminating their sperm irresponsibly until they have more progeny than they can afford under the above system.  For these situations, we'll need to continue our current welfare programs (SNAP, WIC, Medicaid, etc.). But to manage the growth of these programs, we'll pass another law that requires men who impregnate more than three women, or father from than six children, will be castrated.

Now we have protected the right to life of children from pre-birth through age 26. But we haven't accounted for their liberty and pursuit of happiness (or private property, as John Locke originally proposed).  To provide for these God-given rights (hey, it's in the Declaration!), we will need to create new government handout programs:  free public education through a Ph.D.; free nutritious, balanced meals; free healthcare; free transportation (Teslas, to protect the environment); free housing (40 acres, a mule and a three bedroom ranch); free birth control (again, a cost-saving measure for the government); free alcohol, tobacco and firearms (under the "pursuit of happiness" clause. Besides what good is a right to bear arms if you can't afford a gun?).

Oh, and freedom from paying taxes.

That creates a little problem: how does a government provide all the above - required because SCOTUS has ruled that everyone has a right to life) if we don't pay taxes? Not sure, but I believe the Rev. Jonathan Swift provided a plausible answer in 1729.